Honesty Corner: Mounds of Pounds

My main purpose in writing about my experience is to help others who struggle with loving themselves, especially women going through pregnancy. I want you to know that you aren't alone in feeling this way and understand that your weight (or amount of acne/length of hair etc etc) does NOT determine your self worth. It is so easy to forget, I forget it ALL the time. But if I have to learn this over and over every day for the rest of my life, then I'll do it. It is that important.

Ok kids, let's be honest! My close friends know something about me, something that can be my biggest downfall in life. I REALLY care about my physical appearance. TOO much, in fact. Of course, the seriousness of this problem fluctuates during different phases of my life, but it is safe to say that I am an extremely self-conscious human. 

Throughout high school I did a pretty good job at masking my lack of self-love. I mastered the art of "putting on a show." I was constantly performing, singing, getting up in front of large groups and slapping on fasade of confidence and excitement! I remember hearing about all the back-stabbing talk from other girls. They would say things like, "You know, she's not really that good at singing. She's not that pretty. Why does (insert boy's name here) like her? She's thinks she's all that!'"

*Funny enough, some comments were said in the presence of the man who later became my husband…I had considered these folks good friends… but hey! High school!*

Little did they know, I was fighting this battle. However, even more important, I know I am not the only women fighting this intense battle. 

When I lived with my dear friend, Karlyn, she walked into the bedroom one day to find me sitting on the floor in my underwear, with all of my clothes piled on my bed. I sat on the floor crying hysterically. Since then I have been able to receive professional help and I am very grateful for that.

But the battle isn't over. This brings me to my honesty time: The mounds of pounds I have gained since the day I discovered I was pregnant.

Beginning the journey…

When I learned of my pregnancy back in November of 2015, I would say I was at my healthiest! I had a personal trainer that I met with each week and my diet was largely fruits and vegetables because I was vegetarian. I felt great, had lots of energy and my confidence was pretty high. But things began to take a dive as the physical struggles of pregnancy set in. Suddenly, I was sick all the time. Everything smelt gross and tasted even worse! The only food that would stay in my stomach were plain potato chips and Sprite! I could hardly leave the house because I was feeling so sick. The bed became my new best friend. If I wasn't there, I was hurling in the bathroom. It was a rough start to a lot of change.

Moving on...

When the second trimester came along the nausea began to die down. Suddenly, I could eat a variety of foods again! I had an appetite that was even stronger than I ever remembered. I began to experience cravings until I was about 6 months into pregnancy. During this time, the baby began to grow and gain weight rapidly. As the baby grew, so did my cravings. I wanted more ice cream, more cookies, more sweets!!! I also became more emotional from all of the extra hormones taking their toll. The next thing I knew, I was sitting in the office of a midwife as she said to me, "Did the nurse get your weight down correctly? You've gained a lot of weight and I want you to eat more nutrient dense foods." 

I was crushed. In my mind all I could hear was, "Oh wow...you're fat. You're really fat. How did you let yourself get this fat?" And right there in front of my husband and midwife I began to cry. Eyan was not very happy with the midwife. He spent the entire ride home assuring me that I was so beautiful and not fat etc etc.

Since that day I've had several occasions where I look in the mirror, or sit down on the couch and cry about my reflection. It's a battle. I know that my self worth doesn't come from my weight, but it's so easy to forget that. Have you ever felt that way? I hope you haven’t…but on the slight chance you have... 

Here is what I have to continually remind myself:

1. My body is not my own. I am about to give birth to a beautiful, precious little girl. This is all for her and I am humbled that I can sacrifice my body for these 9 months to bring her into the world. I wouldn't change it for anything.

2. What I see in the mirror means absolutely nothing if I am not a kind, respectful and forgiving person.

3. I have the power to change what I see. All aspects of life are changing all the time and I have the power to influence it. This is only temporary if I decide it's only temporary.

And lastly,

4. This is such a beautiful time in my life. I'm going to miss this when it is over. I want to relish each precious moment. If that means I have to pretend those mounds of pounds aren't there, then I'll do that. 

My body has aquired 75 pounds during this pregnancy.

My family has aquired a precious daughter because of this pregnancy.

My life has been given more joy than I'll ever understand.